The Journey Home - Returning to God and Oneness

Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash

“We are ONE human FAMILY.” – Desmond Tutu

“Personally, I am Buddhist, and I consider faith very important, but at the same time the reality is that out of seven billion people, over one billion people on the planet are nonbelievers. So, we cannot exclude them. One billion is quite a large number. They are also our human brothers and sisters. They also have the right to become happier human beings and to be good members of the human family. So, one need not depend on religious faith to educate our inner values.” – Dalai Lama 

I grew up in a non-religious family, never saw my parents pray, and wasn’t even sure if God* really existed. But as an Indonesian, I have to choose and declare a religion from an approved list. Religion is a big part of an identity in my country and it’s written on official documents and forms, including on identity card. My parents, the second generation of Chinese Indonesians, registered themselves as Buddhists. As their child, I became automatically Buddhist on paper although my parents never taught me and my siblings anything about Buddhism. I spent my childhood living in a small village in South Sumatra. My family and my extended family were the only Chinese Indonesians and non-Muslims in the area. Since I went to a public elementary school, I learned about Islam and the Koran at school. I didn’t have any objection as this was a part of a required school subject, religion. Although I wasn’t religious, it was through nature and the cosmos that I felt the Divine as I spent the early years of my life surrounded and immersed in nature.

At the age of ten, I moved to the capital city of the province, Palembang, to get a better education and lived with my grandma, aunt, and cousin. I started 5^th grade and enrolled in a private Christian school and was introduced to Christianity. One fine day, my aunt, a Buddhist, advised that my cousin and I should go to the temple and pray. We went and I found it so boring and didn’t really understand what the teaching and the rituals were all about. Although I am now a striving vegetarian, the free vegetarian food at the temple didn’t impress me much so I didn’t really have any good reason to continue the visit. Instead, I learned more about Christianity and the bible until middle school. I enjoyed the songs and the gospel especially during the festive Christmas season.

During my teenage years, I struggled with an identity crisis. There was a racial tension between the local natives and the Chinese Indonesians. I particularly didn’t like it when my family members talked badly or discriminatingly about the native Indonesians. Since a very young age, I always believe we are all equal and one and I fully embrace my nation’s philosophy: Bhineka Tunggal Ika or unity in diversity. I was a rebellious teenager. I refused to study and speak Mandarin, and was determined to become only Indonesian, not Chinese. I opted to learn English instead and always have diverse friends.

My religious journey continued when I joined a private Catholic high school and learned about Catholicism. I especially appreciate Mother Mary as a female figure in Catholicism as I missed my Mom from living away from her. My relationship with Catholicism deepened as I moved to the nation’s capital, Jakarta, at the age of seventeen, to study at a private Catholic university. During my first year, I was required to take a religion course. Instead of taking Catholicism, I chose to enroll in Interfaith Study, surprisingly taught by a Catholic priest. I was so impressed and inspired by my lecturer’s knowledge, tolerance, and secular belief of different religions that I decided to convert and become a Catholic. My baptism name was Pionius and I loved my beautiful blue baptism rosary. My reason was never a strong basis to be part of any religion. So, I became a Catholic who only went to church during Easter and Christmas. I found Catholic Church, services, and sermons so boring and uninspiring. For a person who appreciates diversity, I really struggled with the rigid and monotonous Catholic Church rituals. Although I learned about religions and was officially part of the Catholic Church, I didn’t have a lot of faith or a close relationship with God.

A day before my college graduation, I received a call from an aunt who delivered the news that my father had passed away. He was 48 years old. Instead of celebrating my graduation, I attended my father’s funeral. I was so overtaken by shock and grief that I didn’t know how to respond and process my emotions. I felt numb and didn’t even cry during his funeral. But one particular strong emotion came out. It was rage. I felt extremely angry at God for taking my father away. So, I disconnected with God and started my atheistic journey.

When I was 25, I moved to the US and met my ex-Indian husband. Although raised by a religious Hindu mother, he didn’t believe in God or religion. We became a perfect atheist couple and one of our favorite books was The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins. Interestingly, although I had moved to becoming an atheist, my curiosity about religions still flourished and I learned a lot about various denominations in Christianity in American churches. It was also a period when I struggled the most with my feelings and judgement towards religions, faiths, blind faith, and especially religious extremism.

After my marriage fell apart, I returned to Indonesia after living in the States for nearly eight years. Extremely depressed, I longed for a new chapter. In terms of faith, I realized I had gone towards the other extreme by becoming an atheist and no longer felt comfortable with this either. I continued reading and learning about various religions and their holy books and visited places of worship: mosques, Buddhist temples, Hindu temples, Christian and Catholic churches, and even joined a Christian bible study group. Earlier in life, I recall reading Deepak Chopra's "How to Know God" as I searched for the ultimate truth. 

Frustratingly, I was never able to agree completely or follow a particular religion. I didn’t want to lie and commit for the sake of appearance or conform to society’s norm and pressure. I was looking for God in religions and was never able to find the Divine, a sacred connection or faith. I started feeling discouraged and started questioning myself. Why can’t I feel God the way believers feel God when they are solemnly praying? There must be something fundamentally wrong with me. I imagine this is a similar feeling some gay friends might have when they can’t be straight even when they keep trying. I also continued struggling with my judgement towards religions and religious people especially in the aspects of segregation, discrimination, homophobia, gender inequality, superiority, bureaucracy, politics, and sexual abuse and misconduct. Feeling tired of my own quest, I wondered if I would ever find God.  

After almost 40 years searching for God, I am deeply blessed and grateful that I finally reconnect and become one with the Divine again through my spiritual awakening and journey that began at The Golden Space. Through meditation, I have found myself again. I have healed from old emotional wounds and have let go of my anger and trust issue towards God and reconciled with the Creator. I learn that once I find the reconnection with myself, I am able to find my reconnection with God and I don’t want to be separated from God ever again. I have found my faith. I believe in God because I truly feel and experience God. Not because someone or a religion told me to. I know I am a child and a spark of God. I feel God when I breathe, when I pray and meditate, when I practice pranayama, yoga, and qigong, when I hear the call to prayer from the mosques, when I see my orchids and plants, when I feel the wind blowing, when I feel the warmth of the Sun, when I see the beauty of the sky, the clouds, the moon and the stars, when I listen to the rhythm of the falling rain, when I listen to the music from Secret Garden, Singh Kaur and Robert Haig Coxon, when I see the smile and laughter on my grandniece’s face, when my family, friends, and cat hug, kiss, and love me. God is universal, everywhere, and at all times.

Now I realize there is nothing wrong with me. My mistake was I focused too much on the external rather than the internal. Meditation has helped me to go deeply within, to my core, my soul and spirit, my inner and higher self. In spirituality, I find a universal space and community where I can just be me. I am accepted and loved for who I am, with all my flaws and my strengths, without judgement, only with support and unconditional love. I finally find my HOME.

I make peace with religions, religious people, and even the extremists. I recognize that religions have a long history and presence in humanity and they are expressions of human’s love, faith, and commitment to God and an important tool, platform, and community that some people need and want to belong to. While religions fit perfectly for some, they don’t fit everybody because no religion can be universal. I have non-religious parents, a Buddhist sister, a Christian sister, a Muslim sister and a Muslim brother. Ours is far from being a typical Indonesian family. I remain real and authentic. Although I belonged to and practiced various religions and faiths in my past lives and I am registered as a Buddhist as stated on my current ID (this has evolved from Buddhist to Catholic to Christian and back to Buddhist), I choose not to follow or practice a particular religion in this lifetime because I don’t feel the need to. I can connect with the Creator directly. I pray every day during my morning meditation and before I go to sleep and have an intimate, profound, and meaningful relationship with God and the universe. I also accept and embrace myself as a human being, a Chinese Indonesian, and a global citizen.

As I grow in my spiritual journey, I also continue reading, learning, and expanding my knowledge and understanding about religions. Amazingly, once I find God, my relationship and my connection with religions and religious people are moving to a much deeper and nonjudgmental level. I continue visiting places of worship especially with family and friends and when I travel as I always enjoy the divine energy from these holy sites. I had a memorable meditation in front of the Emerald Buddha at a Buddhist temple in Bangkok, a wonderful service at a Cathedral in Manila and an unforgettable moment at a mosque in Bandar Seri Begawan. My diverse family and friends continue to be my teachers and a source of inspiration for love, peace, respect, harmony, and oneness. 

At a spiritual workshop, I learned about an ancient civilization where perfect harmony and peace once existed. It was also a time when humans were valued for their skills and their contribution to the society. I was instantly in tears and felt a very deep longing for Oneness to return to this world. For a world of love, kindness, compassion, peace, and harmony. A world where we respect each other and mother Earth. A world where we are one with mother nature, Gaia, and the universe. A world where we are valued for who and what we truly are instead of our external layers. A world where we are different but the same, diverse but one and equal. A world where the religious, the non-religious, and non-believers come together and unite as one. Although I was jaded in the past, I felt a glimmer of hope in a mediation class as I consciously sat surrounded by diversity and unity. Among others were a Catholic sister in front of me, a German sister on my left, a gay Muslim brother on my right, and a Christian brother behind me. We prayed with a universal prayer, meditated, and listened to God, together, as ONE soul family.    

Looking back, I am truly grateful and blessed that I have always been surrounded by diversity and global community and experience all my life. I have diverse family members, friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-husband, and colleagues. I realize now that I have been attracting all these because of my core beliefs and values. When I finally came across universal spirituality, it makes perfect sense to me and I connect to this kind of platform easily. I learn practical knowledge, skills, and tools to navigate and live my life effortlessly, successfully, joyfully, and purposely. I choose and I am committed to be the face and the ambassador of Universal Oneness. From Oneness, I have returned to Oneness. 

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* For simplicity, I am using the universal word, God, but the word also refers to the Divine, Divinity, the Creator, Supreme Being, the Higher Power, Allah, Heavenly Father, the Almighty, Lord, Holy Spirit, The Great Spirit, the Universe, etc. 

** I also want to acknowledge that other than religions, there are countless number of faith-based community and organizations in this world and that everyone has a freewill to choose their faith. 

*** Believing in equality and treating everyone equally didn’t always serve me well in the past. At times, it unintentionally created confusion and misunderstanding esp. from certain men who thought I had a crush on them for treating them nicely and respectfully like a normal human being. So, I learned to play the human game and put the necessary boundary to protect my space. But in reality, I believe we are all sharing one space. 

**** Listen to My Divine Oneness Gita and be inspired by the Divine Universal Oneness from the songs of and from God. 

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First drafted in Jakarta in August 2, 2020.