The Journey to Self-Love

My Wedding Ring

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” – Mary Oliver

Loving myself was once very difficult. When I was a child, my mom told me that my dad and my paternal grandma didn’t come to see my arrival to this world immediately because I was born a girl, instead of the expected boy, a gender that was highly valued in my Chinese family. I understand that my mom just needed to vent her anger and disappointment. But as a child, the programming that I got was that I was not worthy of love for being female. At that time, it felt like a verdict and it was deeply traumatic. So, I grew up as a tomboy, always wanted to be a boy, and denied my feminine side. But ironically during adulthood, I became a feminist, had a lot of judgement towards men, felt jealous for their privileges, and really struggled living in a highly patriarchal society. Most of my friends were strong inspirational ladies and at one point when I learned that I was not a lesbian, I was deeply disappointed. How I wished to remain within my female cohort and lived without men!

Although I was confident, ambitious, goal oriented, and achieved highly in academic and work life, I didn’t see much of my value. I had always lived for my family and my ex-husband and put others or work as a priority. To be generous and giving was super easy but being treated, being taken care of, being supported, and receiving gifts, help, and love were extremely challenging. I realize now it was because I didn’t feel I deserved love. I was also my worst critic and enemy. I never felt I was good enough, mentally self-abused, self-blamed, self-hated, and self-sabotaged myself. The period of low self-love was a long, winding, and bumpy road that had caused an imbalance and misalignment of my feminine and masculine energy. In health, rejecting my womanhood and my craving for intimacy and becoming a biological mother had resulted in menses pain, ovulation pain, and tumors in my womb. And in relationship, I had attracted men who only wanted sex, betrayed, abandoned, sexually violated, and tried to rape me.

From darkness, I have moved towards the light. For the past year or so I have gone through a major healing journey and have let go of everything that no longer served me. I feel genuine gratitude for all who have hurt me, for being my biggest angels, and for the lessons of self-love, self-worth, and unconditional love. I recognize that my pains, my heartaches, and my mistakes were simply gifts for me to learn and grow and they have made me strong, courageous, and resilient. I have completely come out from being a victim to becoming the creator of my own life. I accept, acknowledge, and love myself unconditionally and entirely embrace both my feminine and masculine energy. I begin to choose and put myself as a priority and not feeling guilty about it. I choose to honor myself by ending a relationship with a man who sexually violated me. In the past, I was like a sponge who took in and absorbed other’s negative emotions, burdens, and responsibilities. But now I respect myself, put boundaries and protection, returned others' karma, and say the necessary "no" for my own wellness.

Taking care of myself is very important to me now. Praying, practicing meditation, heartfulness, and mindfulness, and connecting to myself, nature, the universe, and others are fundamental parts of my daily life and existence. To nourish myself, I mostly consume plant-based food. Instead of feeling lazy cooking for myself, it starts to feel natural and joyful and it becomes a creative expression. So, I learn to cook a meal for one person, the most important person in my life, ME! Exercising, especially yoga, becomes a way for me to connect with my breath and to love my body, mind, and soul. As a reward, I am feeling strong, balanced, and aligned. For the first time in a very long time, I spend my extended holidays not with my family or others but with myself only and I enjoy my Me time more than ever before. I allow myself to splurge, to be pampered, and to receive love because I am worthy. I am worthy of love. I am loved. I am love.

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the beautiful and divine feminine me and feel my profound unconditional self-love. I feel complete and whole without a man, others, or anything and I don’t need to become a biological mother to feel complete as a woman. In essence, I am a mother and I had played a mother’s (and father's) role for my siblings, my nieces, and my nephews. My deep self-love doesn’t translate of me not needing or loving others. In fact, the more I love myself, the more love I feel towards my soul family and my relationship with them are healing with effortless ease. My heart is widely open for a new relationship. If it’s meant to be, I trust I will be reunited with a soul mate or twin flame, have the honor to experience pregnancy, and give birth to another soul again in this lifetime. But at my core, I know I am enough.

And so, my self-love journey culminated at my wedding that occurred on Friday night in May 15, 2020. It was the day I decided to marry myself, my inner self, my higher self, once and for all. “I took myself to the top of the mountain or may be to the bottom of the ocean and I got down on one knee and I said: “I’ll never leave you”. And now I’m married to the one person that I really wanted to be with all along. Myself.” - Tracy McMillan. I vow that I will love myself unconditionally, at all times, no matter what, for richer or for poor, for better or for worse, and in sickness and in health. And I put a ring on it, a beautiful gold ring with three diamond pieces that symbolize my wedding affirmation: “I love myself. I honor myself. I am complete and whole”. Wearing my sexiest lingerie on my wedding night, I consciously made love for the first time in this lifetime. Not to a man. But to myself. As I caressed each and every part of my body gently, lovingly, and passionately like I was the most precious spirit, I felt powerful bonding, compassion, tenderness, kindness, and pure bliss. Eventually, I burst to flame and ecstasy and the night ended contentedly with happy tears and joyful laughter. So, I am on a honeymoon and I have a wonderful feeling that this relationship is going to last eternally. And now I am returning to my original and true state of being, a pure unconditional love and light. And I choose and walk my own sacred path, the golden path to enlightenment.

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* The morning after, I did a special meditation to celebrate My Self-Love Wedding! I created a special play list for this and you can also listen to My Wedding Gita. As you listen to the songs, imagine that you are marrying yourself and dedicating the tunes only for your extraordinary self! 

** Read my true soul mate’s blog titled “The Adventures of Lulu Love”, intended to promote, cultivate, and nurture self-love and features her musings on love and sex. Follow Lulu Love on Instagram: @lululove.selflove and Twitter: @luluselflove

*** Thank you, Tracy McMillan, for your life-changing TedTalk “The person you really need to marry”. (Thank you Bagia for your “Love Yourself First” meditation class that led me to tie the knot to myself. Thank you, my soul sisters, Sofiany and Carolin, for reminding me of this TedTalk that I have watched a while ago. After Bagia’s class, my soul strongly wanted to watch it again and it was all I needed to hear to finally come to a full circle.) I bow to thee in deepest gratitude and reverence: Master Umesh, the Golden Space seniors and mentors, and family who have supported me in my self-love journey. Special thanks to my seniors, Cindy for your “The Power of Self Love” workshop. I have finally graduated and officially joined your Self Love Club! Hooray! To Helena for your “Women’s Self Worth” class. I have found the diamond in me. And to Siobhan for your “Goddess Power” class. I am embracing my Goddess power.

****Thank you, Natalie Benns, for your powerful affirmation on InsightTimer titled “I am Worthy. I am Enough”. (Thank you, Lia, my yoga teacher, for sharing this during our yoga class)

***** Thank you Adriene Mishler for being one of my inspirations and for your gift: Yoga with Adriene! Join her for a very special “Self Love Yoga” and “Meditation for Self Love”. 

****** Thank you, Divine Synchronicity!

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First drafted in Jakarta in May 23, 2020.