Blessings from Covid-19

 

Photo by CDC on Unsplash

 

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair..." 

– A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

 

What if one of the worst things that ever happened to you turned out to be one of the biggest blessings in your life?

That’s how I feel about Covid-19.

When the coronavirus outbreak started at the beginning of 2020 in Indonesia and globally, I could sense fear and anxiety floating in the air. I felt stress and discomfort. Confined in my small apartment in Jakarta due to the lockdown, I was forced to stay home and be with myself. It was a mixed period of boredom, impatience, deep reflection, and serenity.

For once in a long time, I cooked more often, immersing myself in culinary creativity. I couldn’t believe how much I enjoyed cooking! The ability to transform raw ingredients into delicious food was simply satisfying and nothing beats yummy homemade food that embodies love, care, and gentleness in each bite, nourishing the mind, body, and soul.

Self-love blossomed during this period of self-intimacy. On May 15, 2020, I threw a self-love wedding where I married myself and vowed to love and honor myself no matter what. And I put a ring on it. That may sound narcissistic. But self-love has empowered me to love other beings, the planet, and the universe more profoundly.

While many were worried about the floundering economy and its impact on their job and finances, it was exactly during this time that I decided to quit a stable well-paying career. I worked as a student recruiter and advisor for one of the top universities in the world and on paper, it was a dream job. But I knew deep in my heart that I had been lying to myself for too long. This wasn’t my true calling. Although my job gave me financial security, a sense of identity and belonging, pride and ego boost from my excellent achievements, it never felt completely fulfilling. So, I made a brave move and sent my resignation to my boss which was instantly rejected for I was still needed for the role.

Fortunately, I didn’t change my mind. A few months before my last day, I contemplated on my career, reflected on the good, the bad, and the ugly, and left with feelings of deep gratitude for the personal and professional growth. Though it was not easy, I released my strong attachment towards my job and my previous supervisor who has become an important mentor. On the last day, I thanked all I had worked with for the wonderful memories. I felt content with the ending and ready to embark on a new journey. 

Many years ago, I had my hair shaved to express my grief from the death of my marriage. To mark this milestone, I let go of my hair again but this time it was out of joy and liberation. Being bald and bold allowed me to be vulnerable and carefree and I had truly enjoyed the hairless period. 

When I decided to end my corporate career, I had no clue about what I wanted to do. But deep in my soul, I just knew I had to close the old door. And instantly new doors started to open up and ideas for the future began to unfold. Amazingly, I started writing more and enjoyed every second of the absorption of my imagination and creativity. It was during this time that I published this blog, The Golden Path to Enlightenment. If you believe in magic and enjoy writing, you will agree that writing is indeed a very magical time.  

My relationship with the capital city Jakarta was once a love and hate relationship. While I loved all the great opportunities and facilities the city had to offer, I never enjoyed the mad traffic, pollution, capitalism, and crowded vibe. But it was during the pandemic that Jakarta like other bustling cities transformed. Streets were quiet, air and noise pollution were much reduced, the sky again displayed its majestic blue, the stars and the moon shone brightly, and the birds and other animals sang more delightfully.

Despite my newfound fondness for Jakarta, after returning to the city for over 8 years, I decided to leave again and planned to visit my siblings in Jambi, followed by Palembang for my transition break and end in Yogyakarta to find more clarity about my future. But the plans quickly changed and I have been staying put in Jambi for more than a year now. For the first time in a very long time, I live closer to family, have pets, started gardening, and am surrounded by trees, flowers, animals, and nature in all its glory. 

In the beginning, I was occupied while completing an international tidying certification pioneered by the inspiring and magnificent Marie Kondo and in January 2021, I became a certified KonMari consultant. The experience allowed me to practice my love and passion for tidying with my family and reorganizing my life. The extended break also created time for me to learn and practice qigong and Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and deepen my love for meditation, yoga, and pranayama.

Although I didn’t keep my plans to visit my other siblings, the shift to an online platform has enabled us to gather virtually, share, and heal together. Living side by side with the family also meant I could babysit my infant grandniece. It was a beautiful healing experience and allowed me to nurture my divine feminine and embrace the spirit and the joy of motherhood.

My mother, who came for a short visit, decided to stay as well and we have been living together for over a year now, the longest in 32 years! In August 2021, my mom contracted Covid-19 and I got infected as well. Her case was not too severe but mine was pretty bad. I suffered terrible fever, diarrhea, inflamed sore throat, cough, flu, and body aches. I could barely move and eat for several days and lost a substantial amount of weight. The virus weakened my immune system, my strength, and my will to live. It was too damn painful. I gave in and called the Angel of Death to take me.   

Across time, the warrior spirit inside me saved my life. This time, combined with western drugs, herbal concoctions from my TCM doctor, and my spiritual practices, I slowly recovered. Although I was frustrated with the snail pace of my recovery, I felt grateful I finally came out of hell and remained alive. 

During the isolation period, feelings of anger and hatred towards my mom started to surface and pour out from the subconscious and unconscious realm. The rage was gigantic, fiery, and deeply rooted. It was shocking and overwhelming and I couldn’t believe I had carried it with me for so long. Though I was not proud of the mean things I said to my mom during the confusing time, I felt relieved that the toxic emotions came out and got released. It was messy, uncomfortable, and unbearable and no longer I could run away from the truth, that I hated my mom with all my heart, my soul, and my might for everything she did, didn’t do, and still does. For sending me away at the age of 10, her absence of care and support, and her hypocrisy. I was fully aware that it was horrible to have such evil emotion towards my mom and indeed it was one of my biggest inner shadows but the acceptance from the truth shifted our relationship to a more open and authentic state. Despite the big fight, we still love each other, live together to this date, and continue working towards a more balanced and harmonious relationship. 

Covid-19 made my whole system fragile but surprisingly when I came out of it, I regained a tremendous amount of vitality that I never thought possible to possess. It was my lifeforce returning home. I was born with this but it was only after constantly practicing meditation, pranayama, yoga, and qigong that I was able to connect, cultivate, and harness my energy. Despite my frail physique, I had an astonishing inner power to “move mountains” and achieve the impossible. For the first time, I felt BIG. It was exhilarating and intoxicating! I felt unshakable, unbreakable, and unstoppable.   

The power within has given me the strength to choose new avenues. For over twenty years of my career, I always worked for corporate ventures. Though my parents were entrepreneurs, I never had any desire to build my own business. But it was during the pandemic that I decided to partner with my sister and co-founded Lidiya’s Kitchen, an online food business that shares premium Palembang cuisine and cakes. It has become a vital channel for my creativity. I can’t remember a time when I felt super excited about waking up in the morning. Now, even before I sleep, I already want to arise so I can start working and creating again. It really is a wonderful feeling. Never once had I dreamt of becoming an entrepreneur but amazingly our business is moving forward despite the economic headwinds and we have dreams for expansion, including going global.

Recently, I launched an initiative that combines both of my passions into one service: education and writing. I opened a consultancy that assists students with the essays they must write for college admission and scholarships. The idea for this creation had come to me as soon as I decided to end my corporate career but it remained dormant for over a year. Though in the beginning, I didn’t have all the details figured out, I quickly learned, adopted a holistic approach, and integrated it with the spiritual lessons I have gained. It has been a life-changing experience for me and my clients. My consultancy also provided a crucial learning platform for writing and editing which has been super helpful and useful for my writing journey.

Later this year, I will be launching a new creation, Ahimsa, a wellness sanctuary that shares pranayama, yoga, meditation, and qigong. These are my daily spiritual practices that have become my core foundations. They have helped me heal many of my physical, mental, and emotional imbalances and I am excited to share my version with the world. Ahimsa may not be a new creation after all. The word and the philosophy of Ahimsa have been following me for years but it was only when I devoted my life to my soul purpose, the pieces came together. I have a wonderful feeling that more creations will be birthed.

The pandemic has impacted lives significantly across the globe and has showered us with its blessings and challenges. I had my struggles during the extraordinary time, from the near-death experience from Covid-19, the grief from losing 6 cats, the fear from financial instability, the anxiety from the draining of my savings, the change to a modest lifestyle, to the innermost emotional turmoil. But for the past two years, I have also grown tremendously -- physically, mentally, and spiritually -- and I can’t stop marveling at the many gifts the pandemic has brought into my life. From the peaceful ending of my corporate career, the joy from writing, my self-love wedding, moving out from a city I never truly belonged, the chance to take a long break to reconnect with self, the ability to reclaim my power and vitality, mending and deepening family relationships, becoming a certified KonMari consultant and an entrepreneur, the freedom and flexibility to choose where to work supported by the advancement of technology and multiple online platforms, to owning the courage to walk my path and live my life purpose. It has been a very blessed period in my life, full of pains and bliss, and I will forever cherish the incredible moments.

I am enjoying the now and I am most hopeful about the future.   

 

First drafted in Jambi on Jan 3, 2022.