Soul Integration: Goodbye Depression, Hello Life!

 

Photo by Kourosh Qaffari on Unsplash

“The worst part about anything that's self-destructive is that it's so intimate. You become so close with your addictions and illnesses that leaving them behind is like killing the part of yourself that taught you how to survive.” – Lacey L.

“There is hope, even when your brain tells you there isn't.” ― John Green.
 

This is a story about an old best friend named Depression. I am very pleased to declare and announce that we are no longer friends.

For the majority of my life, I was depressed and went through some phases of deep depression. Although depressed, I was a highly functioning depressed so a lot of people thought everything was okay with me as I was able to navigate and function through life normally by society's standard. I was an excellent actress who put on a good show, hid behind my mask of smiles and make-up, and pretended that I was okay and life was good. But in my hidden inner world, I felt empty, miserable, and lost. 

After healing and freeing myself from depression, I realize and learn that it’s all about connection and disconnection. To be fully complete and whole, there are vital connections that I need in my life but I lost and disconnected with them throughout my life journey.

I spent most of my childhood in a small village in South Sumatera, living happily with my parents and siblings, and surrounded by nature. But when I was ten, I had to move to the provincial capital city to live with my extended family to get a better education. The separation and disconnection from my core family was deeply traumatic. At that time, feeling helpless and angry at my mom who made the decision about my schooling, I decided to close my heart, vowed to never cry again, and became a sad and depressed little girl. At a very early age, I disconnected from what is most important in my life: myself, my heart, and my soul. Another essential connection that I lost during this period was connection to Mother Nature. Instead of green forest, animals, and starry sky, I was suddenly surrounded by concrete, electricity, and pollution and this kind of lifestyle continued throughout my adult life.

When I was twenty-one, I lost another vital connection. My father passed away abruptly and I blamed God for his death. I was furious and decided to disconnect with the Creator and became an atheist. I had no idea how to process my grief so I swallowed myself in work and became a depressed workaholic.

Later in life, as a non-believer, I attracted my atheistic ex-husband. Though we were madly in love and I was very happy to be married, I went through a major depression phase with my newfound status as just a housewife. I felt that I lost my identity and meaning that I attached strongly to my career. It was a time of duality, when I felt very happy to be with the person I loved the most and extremely unhappy for losing my self-identity. Hollywood romance glamourizes marriages or union and finding your other half to be complete but ironically it was during my married life that I felt most incomplete in my life. If I thought that my ex-husband had my missing puzzle, I was completely wrong and mistaken. It was inevitable that we grew apart and divorced after being together for eight years.

The separation from my ex-husband caused another severe depression chapter. As my life revolved around him during our marriage, I became utterly lost as a renewed single woman. It felt like there was a big void and scar in my heart. The emptiness has probably been there for a long time, but it definitely intensified during this time. This period marked the first time I wanted to kill myself and end my life altogether but luckily, I did not. I was put on antidepressant drugs for several months to stabilize my mood and had to consult a psychiatrist so I could at least finish my Master’s degree at that time. And classically, I turned to my studies, work, and being busy as my escape and coping mechanism. So, I started living like a zombie, functioning highly on the outside, but dead and empty on the inside. Although I was not suicidal, I wished and longed for my human life to end, to be free from my sufferings, and to return home. But in contradiction to my depression, I was always highly motivated and goal oriented. This side of me probably what kept me going and moving in life. 

All my life, I was surrounded by family, friends, colleagues, and other human beings but I was never a big fan of humans, human dramas, and spending time with others. I preferred to live in solitude. Although I rarely felt lonely because I was really good at keeping myself busy but I always felt alone, even when surrounded by many people or the business of life. So, my depression became my best friend. In early years, I didn't have any knowledge about depression but in reality, it was with me for a very long time, around thirty years. Needless to say, Depression and I were very intimate. You can even say that I was addicted to depression. It was subtle and familiar, dark and gloomy yet beautiful and mysterious. It paralyzed and crippled me but it also taught me how to survive. There was even a part of me that enjoyed the melancholia and being a victim. For me, depression was like a quicksand. Whenever I tried to get out of it, it kept pulling me back in and I was far from being strong physically, mentally, and spiritually. Like a hippo, I was quite happy and comforted wallowing in my own depression mud. I even liked to entertain myself by listening to depressing songs, watching depressing movies, or having a depressing conversation. It was inarguably self-destructive.

The disconnection from the most vital aspects of my life: self, Father God and the Universe, Mother Nature, my parents, family, and other beings had caused imbalances that manifested in multiple illnesses. As I was looking for an alternative healing modality, I learned about meditation from The Golden Space and joined their signature program, “Awaken ~ the Divine You®” in February 2019. It was the beginning of my spiritual journey and my soul integration. Meditation has truly saved my life! Through meditation, inner work, and spiritual lessons and practices, I gradually regained my precious connections.

First and most important is connection to self. Meditation allows me to go deep within and find myself again and I reconnected with my heart, my soul, and my spirit. I found self-love and celebrated my self-love wedding and vowed to love and honor myself no matter what. The wound and the scar from the chapter with my ex-husband have completely healed. I also worked on my relationship with my late father which parallels with my relationship with God and released all the fiery anger that I had towards them. It may sound a bit strange but now I have a much closer relationship with my late father as compared to when he was alive as I connect with his energy often. My relationship with God has gotten deeper and more intimate. I feel and experience the Divine through my spiritual practices and my life and I feel aligned with the cosmic force.  

Listening to my soul desire, I quit my job last year and moved from the big city of Jakarta to live in a small city, Jambi. My lifestyle drastically changed. Nature becomes my new best friend. I spend a lot of time gardening and live surrounded by greenery, my plants, my dearest flowers, and animals. I have also become more nurturing as I am taking care of my grandniece and my kitten, Comet Bolt. I have healed my inner child and my relationship with my mother which mirrors my relationship with Mother Earth, has also significantly improved. We have been living and healing together for more than four months now. This is the longest we’ve lived together since I was ten, so in 32 years! It’s a work in progress and we are moving toward a much more harmonious relationship and I know we will get there eventually. For the first time, I live closer to my family. My relationship with other beings are changing to healthier dynamics and I enjoy and appreciate the company of others more than ever before. I feel honored, grateful, and blessed to belong to the human family, for life, and for my existence. My wellbeing continues to improve and I have healed from the majority of my long-term health issues. 

No more dark clouds are hanging around me. I have fully transitioned and transformed from surviving to thriving, from feeling like shit all the times to feeling good and happy most of the times, from “Life Sucks!” to “Life is Beautiful!”, from suffering to enjoying life, from victim's mode to creator's mode, from struggling to living life authentically, joyfully, purposely, and intentionally. I have found all my missing pieces and my puzzle is complete. I am whole and complete. I am one with myself, God, the Universe, Mother Nature, and all beings in all dimensions, times, space, and reality.  

Throughout my spiritual journey, I realize I had never actually purposefully worked on my depression issue but simply reconnected again with the most important parts of my life. However, I did a specific meditation to completely heal my depression and integrate all the missing pieces. During this very special soul integration meditation as I call it, I listened to my most favorite depressing song, Cymbaline by Pink Floyd, really felt my depression deeply, wallowed in my depression mud as long as I wished but knew I was ready to finally champion through and get out of it. I felt my struggles as I was pulling myself out of the mud, how powerfully it tried to suck me back in, and my own resistance to let it go and say goodbye to it but I finally powered through and got out of the mud completely. I kneeled down and sobbed violently. It was a bitter sweet goodbye to a best friend but I was ready to free myself from my depression once and for all because I love myself more. Suddenly I saw a beautiful serene sparkling lake nearby and I went in to clean myself from all the mud that had clung to me for the longest time. I felt purified, renewed, and rejuvenated. 

I am finally truly, fully, powerfully, and magnificently ALIVE.  

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*This post is especially dedicated to those who have healed and freed themselves from depression. I bow and salute you! And for those who are still suffering from depression. Please know that you are not alone and there is always hope. I wish you strength and courage to heal and free yourself from the dark cloud and cloak. Sending you healing love, light, and prayers. Love you!
 
**Thank you Yasmin Baidha Afifah for your inspiring “Bangkit Dari Depresi” workshop. It was an important milestone and confirmation of my healing journey from depression. Aku sudah berdamai, bangkit, dan bebas dari depresi. 😊
 
*** Watch this powerful inspiring TED Talk by Dr. Andrea Pennington: Music Saved My Life: My Journey from Depression to Self Love. ​I Love You, Me!
 

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First drafted in Jambi in April 18, 2021.